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Rose Wilkowski rosewilkowski — Maximum Ride, meet your evil, extremely annoying twin. It's the same situation all over again. Argh! Hasn't my brain been through enough of this kind of thing already? Okay, so I admit it's not as headache-inducing as that confusing mess that calls itself a book, Maxmimum Ride, is. But it has a lot of worse aspects that make Maximum Ride look like the world's greatest novel. (Yeah, I'm overexaggerating here, but that's me for you.) First of all, the writing is gag-worthy. It's full of random paranthesis of really stupid comments, "hee-hee's" (the author literally writes those in every few pages. WTF?), and internal monologue that is supposed to make the MC seem witty and sarcastic, but instead makes her sound like one of those little kids who is trying to talk like a teenager. I'm sorry, but it doesn't work that way. It's almost like reading Junie B. Jones - your mind is like "No, no, OW, DAMMIT!" The book was just so ... stupid. Like, I could literally feel my brain getting stupider and stupider as I progressed through the novel. Everything is so shallow and just so dumb and it makes me feel like I'm an idiot for reading it. And truthfully, I am. The author was trying to sound like a teenager, but she ended up sounding like a two-year-old instead and it was just so stupid. I was like cringing all the way through it. And then the dialogue? Pass the barf bag over here, please. It was SO unrealistic and pathetic-sounding. Again, I could tell the author was TRYING to sound like teenagers talk, and sometimes she kind of succeeded, but most of the time the dialogue sounded like a couple of ten-year-olds trying to be cool and talk like older kids. I mean, some characters *cough Zoey cough* used words like poopies and some other immature stuff that I don't remember right now. I mean, wtf? Who SAYS that? Like, first graders? Yeah. Not sixteen-year-olds. Oh, and as if the immature-talking teenagers isn't bad enough, the book was basically a walking horny hormone. It was just all like "sex here and blow jobs here and sensuality here and ooh let's bring in some more stuff!" And I'm just sitting here going "Wtf, wtf, wtf, W. T. F. ?" I mean, if you're going to want to make a novel some erotic romance flick, I have no problem with that. Just do it right. Not like this, which was just plain stupid. The author brought it all in so casually and with such a bad job it was just stupid.. It was like, "La di da, I'm becoming a vampire. Ooh look two random kids are doing a blow job in the middle of the hallway. Ooh look that random boy who was getting the blow job is hot. Ooh look he wants to bite my arm and lick my blood! Yaaaay I'm so thrilled!" O_o ? Oh yes, I am just SO attracted when a boy bites my arm and rolls his tongue around in my veins. That just turns me on, you know? Speaking of the blood, gwargh. Yeck. Okay, don't get me wrong here. I'm not squeamish at all or anything. I love a good vampire novel with all the blood and good stuff. But this? This was just downright disgusting. It made me want to puke all over the book. The author describes the vampires sucking blood out of people's veins like you suck a milkshake out of a cup, except she made it so sexual. It was like "Mwraaaa I'm sooo sexxxyy and seductive I'm sucking your bloooooodd oooohh." And I'm like "O__O ?" Okay, enough about the god-awful writing style. Now about the plot. Double yuck. Look, the plot could have been good. It had potential; it's a cool idea. But the author wrote it so badly and made so weird and random and stupid things happen that it just ruined it and made the plot downright pathetic. Everything was so cliche and stereotypical, and the author tried to make it NOT by making Zoey say some supposedly "witty" comment about how it was just SO stereotypical and cliche, but obviously that just made it worse. It's like, "Yeah, I'm cringing here because this is terribly cliche, you really don't have to announce it to me too so I can cringe even MORE." As for the vampires ... I guess it's not as bad as Meyer's Jane-Doe's, but it's not that much better. These vampires were just weird and gross and they can't even count as real vampires. They were basically humans with more horny sex appeals and the desire to drink up blood like alcohol (seriously, they even compare drinking blood to being wasted in the book. WTF?!?). There's nothing awesome or striking about these vampires, and they're just cheesy how they have extra powerfulness stuff and markings and stuff. I love (as in, roll my eyes at) how the author changes the spelling of vampire. It's like "Ooh my vampYRES are SO much more original because I've changed ONE letter. OOOH I WIN." Um, sorry, but no. Changing one letter in the spelling and expecting it to make the vampires more original is like putting a hat on a tree and expecting it to look more like a human. Bad analogy, but whatever. You get my point. It's just ... no. Just no. Have I talked about my hatred for Zoey yet? Yes? No? I'll do it anyway. GODDAMMIT, worst MC EEVVEERRRR. Okay, maybe not as bad as Bella Swan, but she comes pretty close. She's so STUPID and unrealistic and gahhhh. The author TRIED to make her interesting and round by sticking a wannabe fierce personality on her, but it just made her seem like a bipolar whining shmut. Okay, one thing I hate is how she talks. She refuses to say any swear word and goes around going "Crap crap oh my POOPIES." What? What? What? EXCUSE ME? No one over the age of five SAYS that, dammit. And I'm sorry, but when you're sixteen, in most cases, you swear. Most sixteen-year-olds do and even if they don't, they still DON'T say stuff like "Poopies." ?? ... I'm just not even going to try to understand this anymore. Oh, and don't even get me STARTED on the most cliche part of the book: the cheesy love interest that happens the SAME DAMN EXACT WAY IT ALWAYS HAPPENS IN CREEPY MYSTERIOUS CREATURE BOOKS. It's the sexy, mysterious, amazingly gorgeous guy who the MC is head over heels for the moment she lays eyes on him, the guy who turns out to be totally sensitive and smart and considerate, the guy who is TOTALLY in love with the MC even though he's met her about one and a half times and even though there's aboslutely NOTHING about the MC that would appeal to a guy. It's that whole cliche "I'm the innocent little new kid who everyone loves and who the gorgeous, sexy guy who all the girls are in love with falls for." There was even the jealous ex who was the MC's arch enemy. Way to beat your way out of the stereotype, House of Night. Yeah. Definitely. You know what I hated most about this book? THAT I COULDN'T FREAKING PUT THE DAMN THING DOWN. GAHH!!! The whole time I was reading it I was like "Dammit dammit I hate this it's so stupid my brain hurts CAN I STOP READING NOW?" But I couldn't. It was just too damn addicting. This is one reason it's EXACTLY like Maximum Ride. It's that book where it's stupid and you hate it and you don't want to stop reading it, but it's addicting and you can't, even though it's extremely bad for you. I hate this kind of book. GAHH I'm SO mad at Marked. I'm pulling an all-nighter right now because I have two tests tomorrow and oodles of homework that I'm working on. But guess what I did for half of it? Yep, Marked was so damn addicting it killed the time I needed to use for homework and studying. GODDAMMIT. Okay I know that's my own fault and not the book's, but it's kind of the books too. It wouldn't let me tear away from it. And yeah, that sounds like the book is GOOD, but Noooooo. It's horrible. At least I would have wasted my time reading a good book, you know? But NOOOOOOOOO. Gah I'm so mad. :P Okay, I'm going to wrap up this review because it's way too long and just a bunch of half-asleep rambles. So, basically, I hate this book and yet there's something stupidly addicting about it, and if I'm actually stupid enough to read the next one I think I just might just kill myself, but I'll probably end up reading it anyway. *headslam* Who knew books could cause such agony? I was so innocent before Maximum Ride, and now this ... *headbang* Anyways. Enough brain cell crushing, I've already done that enough with this book. Ahem. Sella shuts up now because her review is weird and makes no sense because it is 3 AM in the morning. Goodnight everyone (even though I'm not going to sleep because I still have oodles of homework), have a nice day, and don't you ever read Marked if you care about your poor little brain! Adios. I go throw book in toilet now. :@