Anne Rath itibaren Klinovac, Serbia

_awkishness

11/22/2024

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2019-12-21 10:41

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This book can go fuck itself. There; that should give you a pretty solid idea of the flavor of this review. That this book is the absolute epitome of garbage is an understatement. It is one of the worst books I have ever read in my life. Appalling is the success of this series. It’s been on the NYT bestseller’s list. It’s been in bookstore windows, on sale on the Amazon front page, and in the hot little hands of teenage girls everywhere. Above all this, the author’s eyes shine with dollar signs, and the publisher gets away with marketing Christian fiction as mainstream Young Adult once again. What’s that, I hear? Echoes of the great literature massacre of 2005? Yes, I believe if you press your little ear to the floor, you might just hear the twinkling of a vampire and the maniacal fluttering of Kristin Stewart’s eyelids. When I was about seven or eight, my primary school teacher stood up in front of our class and said that we’d be having story time that afternoon. It was December. That afternoon we sat cross-legged before her and she opened a book entitled, “The Greatest Story Ever Told”. This was a farce for two reasons: firstly, hard religion has no place in the mainstream spotlight. Hard religion [read: hard Christianity] ought to carry a warning label. And I don’t care what your opinion is of this, because it’s true. Hard religion has no right to be crammed into my atheist pants, or the pants of the Muslim person next to me, or the Pagan next to her. Hard religion ought to know its place, and that place is in the hands of the people it belongs to. Frankly, I don’t want to pick up a book, pay money for it, and then get a Sunday school session that I didn’t ask for. That is not fair and it is unethical. Secondly, Sailor Moon is the greatest story ever told. Everyone knows that, dipshit. Hard religion is what this book will give you. Not a good story, not lovable characters, and certainly not an idea of how “teen hearts beat”. No, all you’ll get is a lesson on how difficult it is to be rich, straight and white. Oh, poor Beth and Xavier! They’re so wealthy! *world’s tiniest violin* Basically, the premise of this book is that Beth and Xavier get married and murder a priest, and feign remorse as they hide from Slenderman in a college where they can happily hate women and also enjoy pretending to be creepy sexual siblings. They then fuck in the woods and instead of getting muddy hair and moss in her fanny like a normal person, Beth only laments about how beautiful it was and how it was about souls colliding and becoming one and how unnecessary birth control is because the female body has ways to try to shut the whole thing down, much like the Death Star. Meanwhile, they’re teenagers, and Molly is in an abusive relationship that Adornetto pulled out of Narnia's sewer system in a desperate attempt to mask the weird slimy dynamic between Bethany Homolka and Xavier Bernardo. Then the evil person of color kills Xavier and flies away, and Mark Pellegrino possesses Xavier and everyone freaks the fuck out and chains Xavier up in the cellar. Bethany tries not to be butthurt when Mark Pellegrino calls her a dickhead and then Abercrombie & Bitch gets his wings hacked the fuck off for Jake Thorn’s shits and giggles. Then Richard Speight Jr. shows up and cures Xavier with his sass mouth so the kid's free to smother Bethany with his penis again. Then some stupid shit happens and Abercrombie & Bitch kisses Molly and then Bethany gives herself up and Amanda Tapping tries to “retrain” Bethany for like two years and then we meet Zach, this completely random character pulled straight out of the asshole of trashy literature, who tells Bethany that she needs to cut herself up and then throw herself off the tallest building she can find so she can return to her utterly unchanged husband who by the way is living comfortably in Venus Cove while Abercrombie & Bitch and Poison Ivy are off in the New Hampshire rescuing cats from trees. Then Beth and Xavier fuck again a thousand times because Bethany is human now and yay, that means she can pump out five hundred babies that will be nice and white and rich and healthy and not “gender confused”. The thing that really amused me the most about this book is that it’s so desperately obsessed with masculinity and femininity. Adornetto urgently reminds us every second page that pink is for girls and blue is for boys, and anything outside of this little box is “gender confused”. It’s hilarious, really. I mean, “Marriage is an indissoluble covenant between man and woman” should infuriate me until I’m exploding with roughly the same amount of projectile energy as the sun’s corona, but in all honesty it just bores me. We know you’re sexist and homophobic, Adornetto, and no amount of juvenile “yeah we’re grrls yo” photosets you reblog on Tumblr in an attempt to not seem as such will convince us otherwise. We established that you’re a weird evangelical sonic boom wearing an overly smiley face when we finished your garbage dump of a debut novel, so why do you feel the need to remind us? I don’t think there was anything I enjoyed about this novel. I certainly didn’t appreciate every other plot point being a bastardized rip-off of that really cool thing that happened in Supernatural last week. Xavier wants to be Dean which is marginally hilarious because Dean is almost certainly canonically bisexual and really, really likes fucking people with great gusto. Oh, speaking of such, we find out that Xavier had sex with Emily. We also find out that this is okay, while Bethany having sex outside of holy heterosexual matrimony is appalling and a disgrace to his Lordship Chuck Shurley. We then meet Emily in Heaven and of course she’s a mean asshole who hates Bethany and despite Emily dying horribly and having to watch the boy she loved be with someone else thus being entitled to a little indignation, Beth treats her like garbage and concludes that YER JEST JELUS before flying off to confer with Zach, whoever the fuck he is. I mean it, though. Bethany really had her time to shine as an abhorrent character. She shits on everyone, for everything, at every chance she gets. She’s almost as bad as abusive sexist transphobic condescending Xavier with his weird incestuous vibe (he’s suspiciously okay with pretending to be Beth’s brother) as she scolds Molly for being in an abusive relationship—because it’s of course Molly’s problem that someone is abusing her, and why won’t she LEAVE ALREADY, what a dumb woman! Oh, and also Wade is a jerk, but never mind him. We’ll just call him a jackass and not call the cops or report him to the campus authorities for attempting to physically mutilate a woman. Speaking of dumb women, remember Mary-Ellen? Yee gods, the level of misogyny surrounding Mary-Ellen’s portrayal was absolutely astonishing. Mary-Ellen is basically treated like garbage, and why? Because she likes Xavier? She thinks Xavier is Bethany’s brother, so of course she doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with liking him. He already told her he’s single. But this is of course reflective of how evil Mary-Ellen is, because how dare she not read Bethany’s mind and know that her feelings as a human being ought to bend and shape to accommodate someone she has no reason to be loyal to? If you hate someone because they like your boyfriend, then you’re an immature fool. There is nothing wrong with being attracted to another human being. If your relationship is unstable enough to be threatened by another person, then that is your problem. Mary-Ellen was a character created to illustrate how firmly Adornetto believes in girl-on-girl hatred. Bethany loathes every woman she comes into contact with. I suspect that Alex is literally afraid of showing any solidarity between her female characters for fear that the book might lose some of its intense heterosexual credibility, because dur, you silly inferior ungodly people, everyone knows that women who appreciate other women and have female friends are either betraying men or ermagerd! lesbians. We can't have that! Not around our precious INDISSOLUBLE COVENANT! I would go into the slut-shaming, but it’s simply fucked. The themes are fucked. This whole book is fucked. I don’t get the thinking that went into this book. I don’t get how it could have gone through an author, an agent, an editing team and a printing press and still be such a fucking shambles. But that’s the flavor of this series. The whole thing is just completely FUBAR. It’s just a weird collection of anecdotes about a pair of characters who like fucking people over and then guiltlessly leaving a trail of bodies behind them as if their contentment with murdering other people somehow proves how much they love each other. I use the term “love” loosely. There is nothing loving in this book. There is only hatred and scorn and rigid bigotry. Like I said in my review of Hades, I feel sorry for the author. That this is the way she thinks love should be validated. That she sees Xavier as the kind of person she’d like to fall for some day. Does no one else think this is sad? Because I do. I think it is absolutely fucking tragic. I am so insanely glad that this series is over. I am so done with it. I am 150% done. I’m so done, I’m burnt. I’m so done, I’m as tough and chewy as boot leather. I’m so done, you need to clean the burn marks off the inside of your oven. I think I can very safely say that I will never ever pick up another book in this series, or another book by this author, for as long as I am living. Auf Wiedersehen, shitheads.

Okuyucu Anne Rath itibaren Klinovac, Serbia

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